Tomorrow, I'll take a completed application down to the senior housing place. I had called the woman there on Thursday to "touch base" with her and we had one of those weird, round about conversations people have when they aren't sure what their relationship with each other is or is going to be. What I got out of the conversation was that this person, who was promoted on merritt out of an administrative assistant position, has never before had so much "say so" in the hiring process. The person she hires is going to have to be someone she works with every day in a two person office, and upon whom she will have to rely when she is out of the office. Just "having a good feeling" about me and seeing that my resume was one of the few that didn't arrive all screwed up ( she told me one person's looked like they crumbled it up to throw it out, then changed their mind, and stuck it in an envelop) doesn't seem to her like doing her due dillignence. And I can certainly understand wanting to develop a candidate pool of more than two people. So it's not like I can't see it from her point of view.....

The trouble with me is, I can see everything from everybody's point of view. The good news is that this prevents me from getting hard headedly, feet stompinlgy mad. The bad news is that this prevents me form getting hard headedly, feet stompingly mad. What I mean is it's probably healthy to be able to see other people's point of veiw. I don't think "ah, this person is just yanking my chain" or " it wouldn't have killed you to call me the day your boss said you were going to." But, the bad part is, all of this frustration has to go somewhere. ( actually, a lot of it is going into this blog!)

I have a posative attitude. I really truly beleive that we make our own luck and even, to a certain extent, create our own reality. But lately, I have been thinking that there comes a point where it is no longer appropriate to look on the bright side of things, situations where the sun will NOT come out tomorrow, and that life has not, in fact, handed you lemons out of which you could make some refreshing drink, but has dropped a barrel of moose dung on your head. With flies.

I'm thinking, here of situations like facing a firing squad ( "Thanks I believe I will have that cigerette - no need to worry about lung cancer now!") ...coming out of surgery and seeing your doctor looking at your chart, or worse yet, you, with an expression of sheer panic (this actually happened when I had my wisdom teeth out. But that's another story)....the sinking feeling you get when you have broken down in a really, really frightening part of Washington D.C. and that guy coming over with a gold tooth grin is NOT a good samaritan.

But then, it's not all that bad. I must have been in 4th grade before I realized that Norman Vincent Peale ( The Power of Posative Thinking guy) was not really a saint in the church, he was just a saint to my mother ,who could quote him at every turn. So, it may be naive, or mildly crazy, but it's still my tendancy to think "Well, I can mostly breathe, I can mostly walk, I can pay almost all my bills this month" And, truly, without a trace of irony, I thank God every day for my family and so many good friends. Will and Jenne offering my husband work, the patrons of the web site, my parent's non-judgemental, sincere concern, the time my sister-in-law has spent with me listening me go on and on about trying to find my "calling"....without ever saying "Hello, sista! God is not going to use the phonehere! Wake up and smell the cat food! Get a job, ya bum!"

Still, I wonder, at what point does it become appropriate to call the mobility challenge a "problem" not an "inconvenience"? At what point will I have to stop thinking that that sign in the e.r. that says you cannot be refused service regardless of your ability to pay is for "other people" who have "worse asthma"? I am pefectly willing - maybe really too willing - to abandon "what do I want to do for work?" for "what can do to bring home a paycheck and benefits right now?"....what do I do if those options become extremely limited because of my health or my wierd, idiosyncratic, learning disabled mind? It's one thing to be perfectly willing to flip burgers and then go do data entry til 2:00 in the morning. It's another thing if you can't even stand up to flip or keep straight in your head the numbers to input.

I don't want to ask myself what happens then. I don't want to know.