I'm thinking of changing my outgoing message on my answering machine.

How does this sound?

"Thank you for calling Casa Deadbeat, where we've lost everything except our sense of humor. For English, please stay on the line! Para espanol el primo numero dos! Your call is VERY important to us. All of our finances are busy assisting other creditors right now, but, please, don't give up. Your bill WILL be paid in the order in which it was received!
In order to better serve you, please chose from one of the following options:

If you are a telemarketer, please hang up and stay hung up!
If you are offering to refinance our mortgage please contact the psychiatry department at County General Hospital at #
If you are going to turn off our water, power, or phone please press 1
If you are going to break our kneecaps, please press 2
If you would like to hear the general abuse you are used to hearing when placing a collection call, such as questioning your parentage or requesting that you perform physically impossible sexual functions, please press 3

In order to better serve you, your call MAY be monitored. However chances are, your call won't even be returned. If you are still on the line after all this who-struck-john, you are to be commended for your patience. You can leave a message after the tone! Good luck and we sincerly hope you meet your numbers this month!