When one door closes, human nature being what it is, we tend to stand there and look at it stupidly, waiting to see if it opens back up. Okay, maybe I'm the only one who does this, even though I'm aware that it's not very productive.

For example, I keep telling myself that there's no rush to get my resume out there in the heat of all those recent college grads, that things might still work out at the Office Space, that I should concentrate on solving these medication issues so I'll be all set to do a bang up job once I get back....

I know, intellectually and emmotionally based on what I experienced when I tried to go back to work last week that this is, excuse me for saying so, horse shit. But the idea of putting myself out there without any freaking idea what I really can and can't do any more is beyond scary.

It's an identity crisis. I have been a human-doing for a long time. And, no matter how bad things were, I was never all that worried, because I always told myself "Well, I can work. If things get really bad I can stock shelves or work at McDonalds, or pull orders in a warehouse....it's not like I'm afraid of hard work. It's not going to kill me."

Now, it won't kill me either, but it will disable me. Now there's no more "I can always do something else" All my dreams are nightmares and all my nightmares are about work. Except for the one where the K-bird got bitten by a snake and died. That one had no redeeming value at all.

My hands have started trembling again, just today. I'm sure that makes me a fabulous looking candidate for a nearby job. But I can't use that as an excuse.

It's time to get out there.

Besides, I've been home too long. I think that this morning I heard K-bird say "You've got mail!"

Help.