"It's getting harder / Just keeping life and soul togther
I'm sick of fighting, even though I know I should
The cold is biting through each and every nerve and fibre
My broken spirit is frozen to the core
I don't want to be here no more"
- Nik Kershaw "Wouldn't it Be Good"

I doubt that Nik Kershaw was having an asthma attack when he wrote this. In fact, the song is inspired by a science fiction film "The Man Who Fell to Earth" But it pretty much describes how I feel today....how I've felt a lot of days.....

This has been one of those days when my Deliberate Pollyana attitude has abandoned me along with my ability to breathe. Maybe they ran off together. I hope they're having a good time. Bastards.
( as you can see, both Common Sense and Sanity are also half way out the door too)

I'm supposed to be out repping tile today. But there's no way. It would be totally irresponsible for me to get behind the wheel of a car. My chest is so tight that when I walk from room to room I get dizzy. My hands are trembling and I'm chilled from maxing out on my inhalers, and I still feel like I'm underwater. I've got that wierd metallic taste in my mouth, which I guess is from the Advair disk. You're supposed to rinse your mouth with water every time you take it, otherwise you can get some kind of a fungus. Now there's a lovely thought. Excuse me, I think I'll go brush my teeth right now.

This morning, as I lay huddled up in bed with used kleenex all around me, I felt like this has been my whole life. Like every day, from childhood until now, it's been the same thing, for over 30 years. Wake up, see what hurts, see how bad it is, Nausea Check ( Am I gonna throw up right now?) Feet on floor check, (it's bad if your back hurts because the sole of your foot touched the floor. Ain't gonna be an improvement when you add weight) Lightheadedness Check ( done facing bed. In the event of "Equipment Failure" you don't have to add "head injury" to your list of things to worry about).

I know that there are people who can't get out of bed. I know that there are people who would praise God to have the strength to sit up, or type like I'm doing. But, daggone it, I know that there are also people who wake up and get up. There are people who go out and work and play sports and run after their kids and they don't think about it....and if you ask how they are, they'll tell their problems, they take their health so much for granted. And it's not that I have some Big Scarey Dangerous illness. It isn't being sick itself that's so hard for me. It's the grinding nature of it....the day after day after day for years and years of fighting the same battles. The medications fighting with each other so your body has turned into a war zone. I'm so tired, and it's tiredness on a deep, soul level. I imagine it's the same kind of tiredness mothers have, from worrying about their children. But asthma isn't going to go to college and make me proud.

And then I think about all the Scarey Realities. About not having insurance. Wondering how I can build the business if I'm going to continue to be so sick. I'm blessed because I can change my days for repping tile around and I can, if need be, re-schedule with my clients, at least to a certain extent. But what if I was really busy?

Oh, crud. I gotta go lie down. If I think of something uplifting, I'll write it later. Sorry, guys. This one's just honest, not funny.