I have my EEG scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The way I understand it, unless the gods of medicine are really smiling on me, this is going to be more of a baseline test - again, presuming I have any brain waves to measure. I suppose I could get lucky and have an "event" at the time of the test, or the test could pick up something useful. But the research I've done indicates that EEGs are better for confirming a diagnoses of epilepsy than for picking it up.

This is one of the things that pisses me off. I have had two distinctly different emotions since I've seen Dr. DogLover. One is being nervous or scared, the other is being angry....

Of course, my fear is tempered by my faith, so it's not that bad. And my anger is of a mild sort, more like the frustration you feel when you've been trying to tell somebody something and they haven't been getting it.

These are the potential diagnoses that would piss me off:

1. Epilepsy. When I was a sophomore in high school I had symptoms of absence seizures. Real losses of time that scared the socks off of me. I had other symptoms too, not all that much different from the ones I have now. My parents went with me to someplace, I forget where, and I had an EEG done. Since I was supposed to relax or sleep during the test the technician gave me some kind of sedative in a little plastic cup and told me to "try to go to sleep" which I dutifully attempted. Of course, I didn't, but I was mighty out of it. In the middle of the test she came in with another cupful of the stuff, more full than it was before, looking around furtively. "Come on, come on" she shook my shoulder. "Drink this"

"I took that earlier" I said sharply. Clearly, I was way more awake than she wanted in more ways than one.

"You need to take it again." she said forcefully.

"Is this safe?" I asked, taking the cup.

"Just drink it" she said. And, well, I was the kid with electrodes stuck in my head. I drank half of it. "Come on! All of it. You have to go to sleep!"

I took the cup out of her hand again but pretended not to understand her. I shut my eyes as if I couldn't keep them open. She made a huffing noise and left the room.

When I got out, I said to my father, "I don't think that woman did the test right", but the weather was bad and he had to concentrate on traffic and how would I know anyway. About an hour after we got home all that stuff kicked in and I slept for the rest of the day, the whole night and most of the next morning. I was so unsteady on my feet the next day that when we had to go to the local hospital to have my blood drawn my mother had to take my arm to get me across the parking lot. I remember feeling as if I was doomed.

All these years ever after I've told anybody who asked "I was worked up for epilepsy,but it was a bust." So if it turns out that I've been running around for 20 years with a fully treatable, to say nothing about fully diagnosable disease, I'm going to be really burnt up.

2.Lyme Disease: Every time I used to go to the doctor, I'd say, "You know, I have almost all the symptoms of Lyme Disease" and the doctor would say "Unh-huh" and give me a slip for a blood draw to check for anemia. Except for this time. This time on both lab slips it said "LYME & Reflex" in huge block print. Ugh!! I'm going to be especially pissed about that since the earlier you catch it the better the prognosis is - at least that's what I understand.

3.Any and all variations of "Your lower back is so much worse than we thought it was...": You are going to have to scrape me off the ceiling with a spatula if I hear hear this. Please bill Fallon Clinic in Massachusetts for the clean up.

4.Thyroid function disorders: Every time I get my thyroid checked it's almost abnormal...but not quite. Still within normal limits, except for one time, it was hyperactive, but, paradoxically, I ate everything in sight and gained 30 pounds. Before the disease progressed to the point where I'd lose weight, my TSH went back down to normal leaving me fat, but, technically, healthy. "Well, ya know, we just want to keep an eye on that....no need to do anything now." Even though my grandmother and my aunt are both on thyroid medication...the medical opinion is "No, lets wait 'til you get REALLY sick, then we'll help you. If you don't get frustrated and step out in front of a train before then.You're not feeling suicidal, are you?" Do doctors think you're coming to see them to complain about these symptoms, like, as a pastime? I go in feeling terrible and leave feeling worse!

Of course, the way my luck is, I've probably been bitten by a deer tick at the same time as my thyroid finally bit the dust and there's an alien,symbiotic life form living in the back of my neck. But it could be worse.

At least I don't have hemorrhoids.