Okay, so I stopped taking the anti-depressant that helps me sleep because my blood pressure went up so high. We’re assuming my blood pressure was that high because of the medication, not from the actual stress of my life. But it’s probably a good assumption, because my blood pressure has never been high before and my life has been insane for as long as I can remember...

However, now I can’t sleep at night again, which means I’m at risk of falling asleep any time during the day. For instance, in this morning’s meeting I jerked my head up just in time to avoid a dream that had started about a little girl in a red jumper with bright pink hair. The meeting was about MS. The dream was probably going to be a lot less depressing, but, alas, the topic was more important to the job. And besides, I have way too much respect for the speaker to allow myself to fall asleep in the meeting.

I wonder, if I take this sleep study, if they’ll find out something really weird. What if I’m like a bird and only half of my brain goes to sleep at a time? What if I have alien brain waves? What if I’m the last living descendant of the Neanderthals? Oh, no, wait…that would require a DNA test…though it certainly would explain my tendency to get a unibrow if I’m not careful.

I’ll be really happy if it turns out that I have sleep apnea. After all, it’s treatable. I could get a lot better. In fact, I can’t imagine what I’d be like if I were consistently well rested. Probably a lot less entertaining. I’d probably have much more conventional ideas, seeing as how my dreams wouldn’t be leaking through into my every day life. And if I’m more conventional will this job become more appealing? Or tolerable? I’d settle for tolerable.

After all, expectations about work have changed a lot in my lifetime. When I was a kid it was good if you had a job and you could hold down your job. There was a lot of unemployment. Nobody expected you to love your work – that’s why they called it work. If people would do it for free they wouldn’t have to pay somebody. Now everybody is supposed to have a career, you can’t be a self-respecting person if you just put in your eight and skate at the end of the day.

My judgment is impaired and I know it. I know that it’s possible that I’m falling asleep at my desk not because these cases are so dull but because I’d fall asleep doing anything. But one thing about being tired and depressed is that you have fairly low expectations out of life. One thing is just as good as another. What’ll I do if I want something? I mean, for myself, not just as a means to pay bills and buy the house?

But more importantly, how am I going to make it through til the 23rd and then the time it takes somebody to give Dr. A my results and him to develop some kind of treatment? At least I ought to be good and tired by then.