The good news is that I have a brain and I have the MRI films to prove it! And, heck, there isn't any bad news, not really, except that I won't get paid any more until / if my application for short term disability is approved. More fun with forms. But I was able to get the form done today, at least as much of it as I could remember, and I printed it so you can read it. It doesn't look like my handwriting, or even my printing, and it took a long time, but the point is that I did it, signed it, and it makes sense and you can read it.

I'm focusing on whatever I can do in a big way. For instance: I got the mail -Yay! ....

I was going to drive myself to the MRI appointment, but then I decided to ask my parents for help, because I remembered that they said they were going to use some kind of contrast dye for the test. I remembered that some people have allergic reactions to that stuff and, well, you know how these things usually go for me. So my mom came down and drove me, which was really nice of her, because I was back there, being yanked in and out of the tube for a long time.

They did my lower back first, then my neck, then my brain without contrast, then my brain with the contrasting dye. And they gave me earplugs, so the noise wasn't nearly so freaky loud. I twitched a little during the test, but not so bad as to make them do it over. They rolled me in and out of the MRI so many times I felt a lot like a cake that wasn't rising according to the recipe. But I guess I go through most of my life feeling a little half baked.

Mom was nice enough to take me to Petsmart to get Kendi some bird seed (and a toy) and to visit the cockatiels. I recommend cockatiels to anyone who is depressed. It is virtually impossible to be depressed around a cockatiel - they just see the water dish as half full, and it shows.

The radiology place gave me a copy of my films to take to Dr. Doglover on my next appointment. They said the radiologist will send a report, "but he likes to see for himself". I'm certainly glad of it, because I've read a couple of radiology reports that turned out to have very little to do with what actually turned out to be wrong with the person. I was skeptical enough about medicine before I became an insurance underwriter. Now I know that on my most cynical days that didn't even begin to cover some of what goes on, what underwriters call "malignant medical care". And the worst part about it is that it isn't because doctors are incompetent or uncaring - it's because they're in too big of a freaking hurry because of all the constraints they have to meet for health insurance. Well, and then there are some doctors who are incompetent or uncaring. But, as cynical as I am, I still think these are the minority.

When we got back to the house, I said to my mother, "Should we take these films out and see if we can make anything out?" My mom used to be an x-ray tech, way back in the days before MRIs. But my mom is very bright, and I don't doubt that she could tell me a thing or two about them if she put her mind to it.

"No. Lets not. You know, we don't know what we're looking at and we'll only speculate and that'll upset you." she advised, "Though I know you. The minute I leave you're going to yank those films right out of there and start to look them over.

I wonder where I got that from? I thought, but I didn't say anything. And, as soon as I had my back turned Mom had one of those films right out of the envelope squinting into the light comming in the dining room window. " I need a light box..." she grumbled.

We looked at the scan of my lower back. Mom explained which side we were looking at. It looked very much like I remember my previous MRI looking. Then she put the film away, and decided to take her own advice, I guess.

Of course, nobody knows you like your mom, and I had all the films out, careful not to mess them up and to put them back in the same order. Not that I can read them either. But sometimes you can get a feeling about things. For instance, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that a normal person's neck isn't supposed to be almost perfectly straight. I seem to remember from A&P that there's supposed to be a curve to it somewhere. The weirdest thing was being able to identify parts of my own brain. I mean, it's one thing to be able to identify parts of the brain in general. It just feels weird looking at my own brain. I could identify the Circle of Willis, which is sort of like a traffic circle for blood supply to your brain. It looked like it was all still there, so I guess I didn't have a stroke or anything.

Not yet. Wait til I get done dealing with the Disability Insurance company.

And then there was the whole matter of looking at my own eyeballs. I'm like "Wow, I'm using my eyeballs to look at my eyeballs and my brain to try to understand this picture of my brain." Metacognition. Hey, that's a higher brain function...kinda sorta. Good news that I can still do it anyway.

And I have an appointment with Dr. Doglover next Thursday. Will all be revealed? Will I be approved for short term DI? Will I be well enough to take the ALU on the 17th? Will I ever get done folding laundry?

For the answers to these and other questions...stay tuned!