"Your home is a powerful force in your life. Every day it offers a greater understanding of who you are and what your life is currently focused on." begins Feng Shui Chic: Stylish Designs for Harmonious Living by Sharon Sasney. It goes on, " ( your home)... is a dynamic force ...constantly responding to the intentions of those who live in it....a reflection of a person's mental and emmotional state...."

If this is true, than Holy Effing Cow, am I ever in trouble. Not only is there a toilet in my creativity zone, there's a half clogged heating vent in my health area and the ceiling fans are chopping my chi to bits every time I sit under one. The energy that I should be gaining for self knowledge is shooting out the window over my head as I sleep with no headboard . And all of this is just on the metaphysical level. I don't even want to know what the ancient Chinese would say about somebody who leaves her underwear on the dining room table. At least it's clean. I just haven't gotten around to taking it upstairs yet.

The book does not say this specifically, but I can't imagine that dried dog slobber is considered auspicious wall decor. I go around every other day with a bottle of Lavender Method cleaning product and clean the walls, but it seems like there's always one I miss. A stack of unpaid bills cannot be attracting anything besides a dirty look from The Hub as he passes by it in the kitchen. Add in the banged up lampshades, the slightly too short curtains, the not-quite-a-match wallpaper borders and I'm thinking that when Positive Chi stops by, it looks through the cracked glass in the front door and says to itself, "Hmm. Wrong house." and moves on.

But, never fear, the book advises. There are solutions, some of which are obvious ( HELLO! PUT YOUR UNDERWEAR AWAY!) I should put earth colors in my bathroom. Okay. I'm not seeing exactly how this is gonna work, seeing as how the entire room is done in bright blue. Or could I possibly use this as an excuse to not clean the grout quite so thoroughly in there? Mildew is an earth color! Mmmm, I'm thinkin' that would probably lead to a whole new set of problems.

I could increase my self knowlege by moving my bed so that the window was no longer over my head and I would have the "support" of an unbroken wall behind me. I'm imagining that this might work, since I would no doubt forget I did it, stagger out of bed without my contact lenses in and knock myself out on the ceiling fan which would then no longer have the bed under it. I bet you learn a lot about yourself while recovering from a conk on the noggin like that!

Even more simply, I could stop leaving water in the tea kettle as it sits on the stove. Metaphorically, that would put more "fire"in my life. Practically, it would probably put more fire in my life too, on account of the fact that I often wander over and mindlessly turn the kettle on, and I bet something would catch on that burner right quick if I wasn't paying attention.

OK. The bottom line is that, while there are some interesting concepts here, I don't think Feng Shui is for me. In fact, I think I'd do better to quit reading these "self improvement" books and do something practical - like putting away the laundry!