I've always prided myself on not suffering from "functional fixedness". That is, I'm perfectly willing to use something that has one stated function ,such as a pancake turner, for something completely different, such as clearing the ice off of my car windows when I don't have a scraper.

But, this week I've encountered some truly unusual suggestions to solve problems, and I thought I'd pass them along in case they are helpful to others.

The first one comes from my resident Helpful Handyman, The Hub, who is working extra hours at The Depot for Christmas. He works in the plumbing department.....

He had a guy call the department and ask for help welding a pipe. The man was very frustrated, and sort of at the end of his rope.

"I can't get this (explative deleted) thing to seal!" he yelled into the receiver.

"Is there any water in the pipe? Like a trickle of water?" The Hub asked.

"Yeah. I can't figure out where it's coming from! This (explative deleted) project is (explative deleted)!"

The Hub feels right at home when people talk to him like this. It reminds him of the "good old days" of trucking. (nevermind that he hated trucking when he was in it. That's another story.)

"Okay. It isn't going to seal while it's wet. Take a piece of bread and shove it up your pipe - " The Hub started.

"EXCUSE ME?!?" the guy roared, "WHAT did you tell me to shove?!? WHERE?!!!"

"Bread, sir! A piece of bread! Listen, it's an old plumbers trick. You stuff the bread into the pipe right above where you need to weld it. Eventually, the piece of bread will disolve, but it will absorb the moisture in the pipe long enough for you to weld the seam. Take your welding torch and use the blue part of the triangle - that's where it's hottest - and weld the seam as fast as you can. Try that and see if it helps."

About 30 minutes later, The Hub was told that he had a phone call. He was surprised to hear Mr No-Longer-Irate on the other end, "I can't believe that trick with the bread really worked! I was losing my mind! I just wanted to say thank you!"

"I can't believe that guy called back to thank me. That was really classy of him."

"Well, I guess men don't really call each other up and say 'I'm sorry I screamed in your ear like a maniac while I was having a plumbing problem."

"No. Screaming and cussing is the default means of communication men use while doing plumbing projects." The Hub assured me.

No wonder that department is understaffed.

In other news, I called the bird vet to get some advice on Dorothy's egg laying. The earliest appointment time I could get was on December 23. That's going to be great. Everybody else will be finishing up their wrapping, baking, shopping, decorating, eagerly anticipating time with family and I'm going to take two hysterical birds on a trip for family planning. I can't believe this is my life. I wonder if they'll give them little bird sized pamphlets written in chicken scratch on the virtues of abstinence?

"How well do you really know your partner?"
Not well at all. Somebody just stuck me in a cage with him. But whadaya want me to do? There's only so much time you can spend playing with a mirror with a bell on the end of it.

"How stable is your partner? How serious is she about the relationship?"
Well, she looked a little wild after she came out of the gutter, and she's certainly had more life experience than me, but - hubba, hubb, I'm ready to go for it!

Anyway, in the meantime, the vet tech questioned me about how Dorothy seemed. Well, she seems like a parakeet. But, yes, she is eating and drinking water, and she is alert and hops around the cage. Actually, she seemed very freaked out by the eggs as if she wasn't sure what they were or how they got there, and looked a little better after they were gone.

"Hmm. Well that's good then. They may not have been fertile. But, having laid three and not being able to find them, she may lay more and try to sit on them....and this may not be good for her at this point." It wouldn't be good for me either, but I refrained from saying so. "Do you have any marbles at your house?"

"You mean, like a marble boys used to play with?" I asked.

"Yep. Or anything that resembles her egg. You might try a craft store. Then see if she sits on that. It should give us some clues about her situation."

Me sitting around waiting to see if a parakeet is going to sit on a marble ought to give ME a clue about MY situation! I thought. But I l refrained from saying this also.

Anyway, I'm awefully glad to have an appointment with Dr. Hatchling, who really is quite an expert on birds. Hopefully he can help me get all this sorted out.....without anyone sitting on, or losing, her marbles!