Sunday is want ads day. With new urgency I run out onto the front yard in my yellow flannel nightgown and blue chenille robe to pick up the paper ( I think I am a leading cause of guys driving down Main Street being suddenly happy with their wife/girlfriend as in "Good Lord, at least she doesn't look like that!") I don't know what I think I'm going to find in there. Maybe " Local company seeks person to answer phones cheerfully, compose letters / reports, pay the bills, keep the company van from being repossessed, care for the office dog, remember everybody's lunch order without writing it down and also remember who is allergic to pickles, tactfully tell the sales manager when he needs a tic-tac, be a calming influence to the guy who gets mad at his p.c. and beats his fists on the walls, joke with the customers and keep them entertained while the employee they're supposed to meet with is stuck in traffic on the beltway, take care of the plants, calm down the client who calls up screaming at the top of his lungs every week, and listen to all of the complaints the women in the office have against each other without ever passing them on so no one has hurt feelings/loss of productivity/whole departments full of people crying in the woman's room. Decent pay, flexible hours, working on novel during downtime ok. No pet allergies. Non-smoking office" At which point I could jump up, call the number and say, "I'm qualified!"
But, of course, I have never seen that. Instead I see the same things every week.....

"Counter Helper Plus Drive Van - Full Time" Ok, I'm thinking, I'm confused. Is the counter in the van? Drive the van up to the counter to help customers? Deliver counter tops? What the hell is this job all about anyway?

"Dump Truck Drivers....experienced dump truck drivers with tank endorsement..." (?!?!) They ask your previous truck's gas tank for a reference?

"Dancers! Up to $1,000 nightly, flexible hours...." Just a guess, here, but I'm thinking they don't mean classicly trained ballett dancers.

"Drivers....Dump truck, Lowboy, Demo and Live Bottom trailer. CDL req. Drug Screen" Lowboy? Live Bottom? Is this one of those veiled sexual things that I'm not as up on as the above?

"Floor Covering TIRED OF UNRELIABLE WORKERS WITH BAD ATTITUDES! Looking for dedicated, experienced, vinyl mechanic...." Oh, yeah, you sound like a peach of a guy to work for! If I was qualified you'd be the first guy I'd call!
Yikes!

"Greenhouse work, temporary, through May...weekdays, weekends" Translation: work your ass off for two months then get cut lose without having gained any marketable skills. Lovely.

" Big Name Convenience Store: The opportunities are ENDLESS for hard working, high energy individuals who want to work with others and learn the latest in retail marketing, food preperation and technology!" Marketing? "Yeah, stack those potato chip bags up in that rack 'are" Food Preperation? "If that hot dog is so wrinkled up it looks like y'er gramma - it's prob'ly over cooked.But stick it on a bun anyway" Technology?!?! "Ok, press THIS button for the SuperFattee, press THAT button for the ChemicalSludgee. Oh, and wear safety goggles."

And this one is my absolute favorite: "Part-time child care in my home for twin infants.....$8.00 an hour" I have a serious desire to call this woman and up and ask her "Are you out of your mind! You want somebody to drive to your house, you are no doubt going to want this person to be responsible, alert, and probably trained in infant CPR. You want someone to look after not one but two infant children. Notwithstanding the incredible amount of work it is to look after two infants, presumabley these are your children, the flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood, unique beings irreplaceable in all the world....and you want to pay somebody $8:00 AN HOUR which is not as much as they could be making at the Big Name Convenience store with no more responsibility than to make sure the ChemicalSludgee didn't get mixed in the SuperFattee. Are you still having unbalanced horemones that have impaired your ability to think straight or what!?"

Is it any wonder I feel myself getting more depressed every day?