In a normal house, if a goldfish dies, it floats to the top of the tank. After awhile, someone notices, they take it out, and give him a burial at sea, via the toilet. If there are little children in the house the departed goldfish might get stuck in a little box, the kind that jewelry comes in, complete with cotton batting, and buried according to the family's traditions in the back yard. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I have a friend who used to organize little pet funerals when she was a little girl. The guy she used to get to give the blessing grew up to be a pastor. She's a grief counselor and hospice volunteer now.

But this is not a normal house. We do not have a dead goldfish. We have a missing goldfish.

The fish in question is a fantail goldfish. They're small, and they can easily hide out among the leaves of the plants in the fish tank. That's where I thought he was when I didn't see him at feeding time last night. I looked carefully, but I was tired, my fever had come back, so I decided to see if I found him this morning.

These fish don't have names. Since the demise of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo, the carnival fish, we didn't want to get attached. The fantail goldfish we call "The Koi Brothers" and, since we bought the garden variety goldfish later to keep The Koi Brothers company and so they would grow up in a diverse neighborhood, we call them "The New Guys". After some initial hesitation, goldfish integration was achieved. Everybody was living happily in a nice sized tank, complete with snail service ( snails really help keep the tank clean) and live plants. There didn't seem to be any conflicts.

So where did he go? This morning, I examined the tank from all angles. There is no sign of him. The whole thing was news to The Hub. He looked at the tank with me. Only 4 fish in there. No signs of a struggle.

Hmm. So, do I treat this as a missing person case or a homicide? Well, it's hard for even me to imagine this guy getting into a fight with his tank mates, taking a big gulp of air, flipping up the lid of the food slot, calling a taxi and leaving town.
Maybe there was a love triangle. Maybe The Koi Brothers are not all brothers. Maybe one of the larger goldfish was hired as a hit man. But where did they put the evidence? Goldfish aren't canibals! He could hardly be "sleeping with the fish". They ARE the fish!

As jelous as the dog is of the fish, and he really hates them ( barking every time I spend any time working on their tank, sulking, trying to squeeze himself in between me and the fish tank to get my attention) it's hard to believe he did them any harm. While he is certainly big enough to reach it there is no way he could flip that plastic food slot open and get his enormous paw in there. If he did, he'd be stuck there still. So he definately has plausable deniability going for him.

The cat, on the other hand, is just the right size to get up on the shelf, and get her paw in the slot. It would be clear what had happened if there was a floating goldfish, the slot left open, and water splashed somewhere around the tank. But for Vio-kitty to have pulled off this crime, she would have had to flip up the food slot, remove one fish , eat him as sushi, CLOSE THE FLIP TOP BEHIND HER, and then clear up any water spots. Still she makes a better suspect then the fish-calls-taxi-scenerio. Like most cats, however, she remained very cool under questioning, and just gave me a look I can only interpret as "no body: no crime"

And never mind any of this. Why in the hell can't my goldfish even die normally?! What's worse is that The Hub isn't even concerned about this. "Oh, honey, this is just another one of those weird things that happen around you. You're always saying the cat is smarter than we think she is".

Jeeze, if I'd known she's that smart I'd better not piss her off. She's liable to find a way to dispense with me! I wonder if I can talk her into selling Avon for me?