What I really want to know is: can things get any more confusing for me? I thought that I had made a decision about what path to take, and even though I was looking at a huge hurdle - the health insurance thing - I was still convinced that I should not be set back by it, just keep looking for a way over, around or through it.

I spent almost all of yesterday morning fighting to install some new computer software, finally ending by uninstalling Norton Anti-virus.

Then I went to meet Mr. Fish. Like I said, that's his real name. I think his first name is "Wishy-Washy". I got all dressed up for a meeting that told me exactly what I had learned at the library the day before. Maybe this guy is so used to telling people that they have to do a break even analysis, and having this be news to them, that he felt that he had done his job. He was very discouraging about the possibility of finding insurance - I should probably call him back and tell him all of the things I have learned so he could be of service and pass them on to others.....

Then I called my regular insurance agency back - the assistant had some quotes on auto and life. I don't have any life insurance right now, and I'm just looking for a small policy to bury me in case I die. It's not like I'm looking to take out a million dollar policy. And I have asthma - not AIDS. But, no, she's not sure she could get me life insurance.

"There's the issue of depression. The underwriter would want to know how serious it is and how long it has been under control." she said.

"Isn't that kind of subjective? Even looking at my medical records - those are all just opinions. Besides, I've never heard of a policy that paid out on suicide. I'm not understanding the relevance here."

"Well, an accidental death would be investigated much more closely" she said. "As to objectivity, they would ask, for instance if you had ever attempted suicide."

Silence. More silence.

"I'm sorry, were you asking me a question?" I said, levelly.

Because this woman was just curious. Everybody at the insurance agency knows who I am, because they paid the claim on the life of The Hub's first wife, who was also my best friend. She died from injuries sustained in a plane crash that happened 9 years ago - 9 years to the day of the conversation I was having with Ms. Nosey. I'm sure that everybody still talks about how devoted The Hub was to her at the time of her injury, even though she had been living with another man ( who, unfortunatly, died upon the impact of the plane. She probably lived for the little while that she did because of him shielding her with his body.) She was a wonderful person that people could not help but love. The Hub loved her, her boyfriend loved her, I loved her ...literally, everybody loved her. It's those kinds of people who seem to get taken away early in life- but the whole situation was grist for a lot of gossip mills.

Every time I call there this woman says "Ah, yes, Tea, I mean, er, Mrs. -----. How have you been?" as if she is intimately aquainted with me....and then she realizes that she isn't, really, she just knows all my business. I've always been very pleasant to her: it's not her fault that she knows all my business. People are inclined to talk, they wouldn't be human if they didn't. What else are they supposed to do all day stuck in a little insurance office typing numbers into boxes? But, for Chissake, couldn't she have a little more tact? She might as well just pick up the phone and say "Ah, yes The second Mrs. DeWinter. I swear, there are times when I could just scream.

Then Ms. Senior Housing called me back and went into this long thing about how she really wanted to hire me and was trying to goose BigCo for more money for me and how did I feel about that? But nothing was firm there either - just more wishy and more washy. Then, some dude called from a chemical company about a resume I sent him a month ago, and I was going to just blow him off, but he was the most kind, courteous person I have spoken to in YEARS so before I knew it I'd agreed to go on a job interview tomorrow, because I'm so curious about what kind of company they are.

I went down to try to help out The Hub who had just opened a can of the paint for the trim and found out that something was wrong with it. He tried to work with it, but it was a disaster, which lead to us getting into a quarrel during which he told me I couldn't paint worth crap, and I pointed out to him that he had accidentally painted the wrong wall. This lead to heated fork pointing at one another through dinner, reconcilliation over bannana splits, followed by crushed hopes for a quiet evening at home when we got back and discovered that the control panel of the washing machine had fallen off, rendering it dysfunctional.

....sort of like my life. Help.