Well, they say that nothing succeeds like success, right? I guess that would be true in everybody's case except mine.

In other words, people have the idea that once you make a go of something you just have to keep riding it along and it will get easier. In my case, as soon as I even start to succeed at something I have to confront one of my own personal demons.

I call him "The Demon of Undoing". I wonder if anybody else at there has met him or has one like him? ....

For some unknown reason ( hmm, could it have been all that hard work I put into it?) AATH is suddenly going like gangbusters. I'm getting phone calls, referrals: I'm busy! And it's great! The lustre of making somebody's life easier shines ever more brightly to me.

I did a P&L statement in preparation to go for a loan...only to realize in the analysis that if things keep going this way for 3 more months I might not need the loan.

But this is where The Demon of Undoing pops up. "How long do you suppose you can keep this up?" he asks. I imagine him as being one of those suave, wavy haired demons in spats.... a cross between Jude Law in Gattica and a matinee idol of the 1930's. "You know that tingling you have in your left foot? What do you suppose that IS? Sure, you may say you've had it all your life and it hasn't killed you yet...but, really, Darling, it could be ANYTHING. Of course, you don't have health insurance so there's no way to know for sure." He takes out a ciggarette and lights up without asking permission. It's only imaginary smoke, sure, and he IS a demon, he has to do something for affect, but still, it's the principle of the thing.

"So, what do you think? Couple months maybe till you're back on your walker? Good thing you've got all those connections in the caregiver world! Wouldn't it make sense to just go get a job now? A REAL job, you know, in an office, 9 to 5 with insurance? Before you have to hobble in looking like absenteeism on wheels? Wouldn't that be the sensible thing to do? Mmm. And speaking of absenteeism, I've noticed you haven't been returning phone calls as quickly. Have to keep adjusting your schedule, too. And since you've got that breather calling you you've accidentally blocked numbers you shouldn't have. Sure, your customers have been understanding up to this point....but how long do you think that'll last? So what are you gonna do? Hire somebody to work with you? Oh Pul-eeze!"

He blows imaginary smoke in my face. Pinstripes, I think. He's definately wearing a pinstripe suit and cufflinks. My mother told me not to trust men who wore cuff links, or had manicured hands. He starts to laugh. "Imagine YOU as somebody's employer! Miss-Can't-Say-No-To-Anybody. It'll never work. This whole thing is not really going to work. It can't. It can look like it for a little while, but, in the long run it's doomed to failure - simply because you're doing it. You're a failure, you were born a failure, and you can't change your luck. BUT, here's the deal: everybody in the world won't see you fail if you just GIVE UP. And it's so easy! You're so tired these days! You're exhausted. Sooner or later somethin's gonna fall through the cracks. Look at the condition of your own house. What are you doing in here, anyway? Cultivating dog hair as a cash crop on the floor of your office? This place looks like he - like HOME to me! Come on Tea, where's your pride? You want everybody to see you fall on your face? Lose your business completely due to poor health, bad time management, and sheer stupidity? Why don't you quit while you're ahead?"

At this point I throw the nearest thing to come to hand, in this case a container of Deoderizing Jumbo Ear Wipes ( New! Extra Moist!) that I use to clean out Winston's ears....doesn't every self employed person have these by her desk ( along with a pair of dirty socks and a tea cup with a dead lemon in the bottom of it, further evidence that my imaginary vistor may have some good points). He explodes in a puff of smoke, setting off some dog hair tumble weeds as he goes and filling the home office with the general air of dispair......and dispair is a sin.

I might have gotten rid of him for tonight, but he'll be back. In fact, the better things go the more often he'll come by, telling me this is as good as things could possibly be expected to get and if I don't quit while I'm ahead I'll be just another grey flannel figure jumping out a window when Black Friday finally comes. Not that I didn't sell all my grey flannel on ebay, but you know....it's a figure of speech.

Emily Dickenson said that hope was " a thing with wings" that perches upon the soul. She didn't mention how small it is.