I went to the library last night to look at their copy of The Writer's Guide or Writer's Handbook. For anybody not familiar with these publications, they are supposed to be a resource for writers who are trying to find publishers. They're full of what's supposed to be helpful information....and stuff that sounds like it would be. Names of editors, addresses, websites that contain writer's guidelines and very brief blurbs on what the publisher is looking for.

It's these blurbs that have stopped me cold in my tracks every time I've thought of submitting something to a magazine....

They're like the want ads, only in the negative. Each magazine has a whole paragraph on what they DON'T want, WON'T accept, and the narrowness of their focus. One said, "poetry should not be too hard to read". Many simply state that they do not accept submissions from free lancers or people who have not been previously published. ( well, I guess that's helpful in that it saves people the time in writing to them)Brevity may indeed be the soul of wit, but it also leads to some surprising guidelines, "We accept only romantic fiction from a lesbian perspective. No talking dog stories."

Who would think that a magazine devoted to lesbian romance would get so many talking dog stories that they had to put it in their guidelines? Or maybe the editor has a special prejudice against talking dog stories. Or, who knows.

In the front of these books there are little "helpful hints" about getting published. At least that's how they're presented. To me they read like little snarky outlets for people who are already published or who hold editorial positions to make aspiring writers feel even worse than they already do ( especially if they have a talking lesbian dog story!)"Do and Don't" Lists consist of advice no one ever thought of before such as "DO use a professional format for a query letter" and "DON'T insult your reader." These books are, apparently, in the "do as I say, not as I do" genre. The heading of another article asks editors to name the things they absolutely hate it in a manuscript "People who don't close parenthesis. You could go on for years" was one answer. Another was simply, "...Julia and I". WOW! What a revelation!If I hadn't read The Writers Guide to Major Depression I would have sent off an article or manuscript with poor grammar and lousey punctuation!

Firing off these blurts on my lunch hour for the amusement of my friends and family is one thing, but, really, I DID graduate from high school, and if I'm not sure what grammar rule applies I can at least find out.

They're like hundreds of pages of left handed encouragement. No fun. Real joy killers.

At least there is still a market for poetry....as long as it's not too hard to read.