I don't think it matters if I'm depressed because my thyroid is whacked or if I'm depressed because I'm depressed. The point is, depression is a serious illness all by itself.

I've had it, sometimes under control and sometimes not, for almost my whole life. Sure, it's a little embarrassing to talk about - but I AM someone who put a picture of myself with a parakeet on my head on my blog. So I guess I'm a pretty open person.

Seriously....

one of the main things I do when I'm depressed, when I'm not fighting it - and if you have it you have to fight it every day - is I withdraw away from people and that makes everything worse. It's one of the many ways the illness can wreck your life, because you can lose your relationships.

I realized the other day that depression had, once again, become a major factor in my life. Friend Will sent home some DVDs of the new Battlestar Gallactica series, which I had wanted very much to see. The DVD was sitting right there on the coffee table (okay, it's a wicker chest, but we use it as a coffee table)in front of me, but it just seemed like too much trouble to put it into the DVD player. So I just sat there in the dark.

To a non-depressed person, it would look like I was just sitting there doing nothing or maybe just feeling sorry for myself. In truth, if I could have been moving as fast as I was thinking I would have been a blur of activity. Okay, I have to call the mortgage company. Have to call the credit card company. Have to go to the store, need to do laundry, have to get this dog hair off of the floor. Have to wash dishes but the garbage disposal is broken and the drain is backed up. I wonder if The Hub will get mad if I ask him to fix it? He always thinks I'm yelling at him. I am always nagging him. I can't ask him to fix that. Maybe I can fix it. No. I'm too stupid. I wonder what's wrong with me that I can't even fix the garbage disposal in my own house? I mean, how tough is it? How can I have a piece of equipment in my house and not know how it works? Didn't I learn anything in school? God, look at the time! I wonder if the collectors for the credit card company are still there? But what should I say? I don't want to make a commitment and then not be able to keep it. Oh, God, I'm such a deadbeat. I'm a failure! Etc...

Sounds crazy, right? Yep, it is. But that's how depressed people think, and it can prevent us from getting much done. Worse, the more you think that way, well, the more you think that way. Before long you've convinced yourself that you are not only a failure, but stupid, ugly, wicked, lazy and, most of all, hopeless. And, it doesn't matter who you are, how tough you are, or where you are in life. If you ain't got hope you're...well, you're screwed.

So, depression is an illness where you have to change the way you think. But since the illness is affecting your thought processes, this is very difficult to do. One of the hardest parts is just STOPPING thinking about everything that is wrong, that you haven't done, that you aren't doing, so you have room to think something else.

Once I realized I was depressed and caught myself thinking all kinds of "negative thoughts" ( "I can't pay this credit card bill and I don't know when I'll have the money because I was so stupid and made such bad choices that it's no wonder I'm probably going to lose my job -")I'd think STOP! I'll think about this later!

Of course, you just clear up one "negative thought" when another one pops up to take it's place. So the key is to - REAL QUICK - think about something else. You may be thinking "Yeah, think a happy thought" but, those being in short supply, that has never worked for me. Instead I try to think about something I can DO. ("I could make dinner") Often, if I'm not careful, this just leads to getting overwhelmed and freaking out again, ( "Oh,Lord, I'm out of crackers, how could I be so stupid! I've been out of them for weeks, why can't I remember to pick up crackers? Well, hell, I'm so disorganized. Look at this kitchen, what a mess! I don't have time to eat dinner! I have to go to the store, clean out the refrigerator, wash the floor, get a book from Home Depot and learn to fix the garbage disposal....")

So I have to go back to the first step (STOP! I'll think about that later!) then get control over what I want to think about ("You're trying to make dinner here, not fix the garbage disposal. What do we have to eat that doesn't involve crackers?") and then move on, step by painful step, talking my way through the most mundane activities in life. (Okay, there's a jar of pasta sauce. Take that out. Okay, good, now open it. Now, lets look for a pot. There's all those dirty dishes - STOP! Think about that later! - I need a pot. Okay, here's a pot. Now, turn the stove on...")

If you're thinking that this is a hell of a way to go through life, you're right. But, it beats sitting on the sofa in the dark being too overwhelmed to do anything.

By the way, this is a completely non-scientific, self taught technique, not something I learned from any counselors (though the counselors I've told it to have been uniformly impressed and encouraged me to keep it up....which makes me wonder what I've been paying them for)And, using it, last night I was able to bring in laundry off the line, make dinner, feed the fish and the birds, apply for 5 jobs on Monster, re-write my resume, and send it and a cover letter to Friend Will, who might have a contact for me (God bless him)

Of course, the garbage disposal is still broken, I still need to call my creditors, etc, but now when I think about that I can then say to myself - Yes, but you were doing something important. You did your resume.

It's a slow crawl back towards the light, but I'm determined to get there.