I admit, I am stealing my title from one of my all time favorite television programs: The Red Green Show a Canadian comedy that we could occassionally get on PBS here in the states. It was just bizarre. It featured Red Green, a terribly inept handyman, whose answer to everything is duct tape, broadcasting a "how to" show from the 'Possum Lodge in rural Canada. On almost every episode, they'd have a mini-verson of "The 6400 Dollar Question" where one person would give a guest various clues and they would have to guess the word. In one of my favorite episodes, Montrose, the exposives "expert" was the guest....and they were trying to get him to say the word "Unsafe." I can't remember all the lines. The guy was about half deaf from never wearing any hearing protection while blowing things up, the the other contestant had to yell at him. "Ed, what would it be if you strapped a bunch of dynamite to your car, got drunk, and drove into town really fast without your seat belt?" At which point the guy's eyes lit up and he said, "Oh! I've done that! That would be a really fun weekend!" Etc.

What you're seeing in the picture is the electrical connection, as done by the previous home owner, to the pump for the pond in the northern corner of the house. The pump, Praise God, was not running. If it had been, with all the dried leaves to say nothing about the cardboard boxes we had left on the porch after we first moved in, I'd be writing to you from the Salvation Army Shelter since the house would have gone up like a tinderbox. I first got the idea that something was wrong when.....

I was raking up dried leaves and other debris in the garden. I raked up an extension chord, which I then naturally, noticed was plugged in to an outside outlet. Now, I am hardly an expert, but even I have enough sense to know that a standard electrical extension chord is not suitable for underground wiring. I could see that it was headed in the direction of the pond. So I asked The Hub to take a closer look at it. Whereupon, what is pictured is what he pulled up from about an inch below the soil.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is held together by duct tape. And if you look very closely you can see what was used to insulate it from water. Yes, that is indeed a plastic sandwhich bag held on with rubber bands!!

I can't believe this weird wiring ever worked in the first place, let alone survived a winter. The Hub and I don't know anything about how the pond works, but I hope other elements of it were put together a little better than then the electrical connection. Naturally, all of this is going to have to be looked into, and I can only pray it doesn't turn into a major demolition project in the back yard.

Later in the day, I went back up to babysit Neice and Neph while Bro and his wife went to look at their newly constructed home in PA. They went up to take some room measurements and look for a refrigerator. When they came back, Bro said to me, "Oh, by the way, that pototo and light bulb thing? It doesn't work."

"What?!"

"You know how, if a light bulb breaks off but it's still screwed into the socket and the filiment is still attached they say that, rather than use your hands to get it off, you take a potato and stick the filiment in it. Then the potato - it's kind of porous - sort of sucks into whats left of the light bulb and you just unscrew the potato.....You've never heard this?"

(Good Lord, I'm thinking, is this genetic?) "No, I've never heard that, and even if I had -"

"Well, nevermind. I'm just telling you, it doesn't work. Or maybe we just had a potato that was too green or the wrong kind of potato or something, but I'm glad you watched the kids because it was very frustrating and I was using all kinds of language I don't normally use."

"Yes, I can see how it would be frustrating trying to unscrew a potato from a light socket." I said.

"I think, " my brother said, deadpan,"that I might be under more stress than I realize."

Well, thankfully, he hasn't lost his sense of humor. And while Bro is definately under more stress than most people, he's normally a very sharp guy...so this potato and light socket thing may be making the rounds....I thought it might be good to include his experience so anyone thinking of doing this would know it doesn't work. I'm pretty much guessing that most people who read this blog already KNOW you can't insulate underground wiring with a plastic sandwhich bag. And if anyone does know the basics of how that pump is supposed to function, I'd be very happy to hear about it.

I wonder what he did with the potato?