There used to be a game show on television called "Name That Tune". Game shows were what we had back in ancient times before cable was invented to show constant rebroadcasts and game shows were re-named "reality television". This was back in the bad old days when there were only 3 channels plus PBS which you only got if you could get that little circular antenna thingie to stop falling off the back of the t.v.

(Excuse me while I put my teeth back in, turn up my hearing aid, and take my geritol)

Anyway....

I thought it was an awfully stupid show, outstanding for its stupidity among other stupid shows...though, weirdly, as a kid I was a rabid fan of "To Tell the Truth" and I could almost always spot the dude who was telling the truth. No thats not really true. I could almost always spot at least the dudes who were lying.

"To Tell the Truth" was this half hour semi-talk show which started out with the host telling the fairly interesting story of somebody. He would, reading from a card, say something like "I have a Phd in geology, and was the first man to reach the remote Tibetin villiage of Someplace-Exotic. Working with the diplomatic corp in 1959 I established ties with the Never-Heard-of-Em-Tribe of the Say-Again?-Place. While traveling in Uzbekistan in 1968 I discoverd the deadly Weird-Name-Snake and saved two of my team mate from it's bite. My name is John Smith."

Then three guys would come out and say that they were John Smith and field questions by a panel of people who had no particular qualifications whatsoever except for that they were witty would ask the fellows questions and then cast votes for Number 1,2, or 3 depending on which one they thought was the real John Smith, and the host would say "Would the real John Smith please stand up!" and the guys would shuffle around in the chairs and finally one of them would really stand up. And it would turn out the other two guys were a truck driver from Des Moines and a drummer in a jazz bank for a living.

I was fascinated by the panelist Kitty Carlisle. I was deeply interested to know how a grown woman could go by the name "Kitty" and have people take her seriously, and I loved the ways she talked. I loved how she never sounded rude yet always managed to make her point. She was almost a role model - I was that into her look and vibe, and was often depressed, in those days, that I hadn't inherited my mother's black hair (for the record my mother says her hair is dark brown, but I never bought it.) I think that's where I got my mild obsession with rhinestone jewelry too.

But, I digress.

The point is that there was this game show called "Name That Tune" where people would get clues and notes the first few notes from songs and try to guess the song. And, inevitably, at the end, some idiot would say he could "name that tune in one note" which, of course, meant that he really thought he could name the song based only on the clues, in which case the show was NOT about naming the tune from the notes but from the clues, which made the whole orchestra seem rather redundant. And then, with much drama, the pianist would plunk one finger on the piano for the "one note" and half the time the guy would screw his face up like the fellow on the laxitive commercial and then get it wrong.

Okay. Come to think about it, "Name That Tune" is not the point either. "Name That Tune" was only supposed to be a witty lead in, worthy of Kitty Carlisle, to my actual topic.

Which is that, if you think you had a bad day, I bet I can Top Your Bad Day in three words. Now, I know this depends on who you are. There are, of course, people in the world who could top my bad day in two words, such as Marital + Infidelity, and Hijacked-Aircraft or Suicide + Bomber. But, thinking of the majority of my readers, all five of you, I feel that, no matter how bad your day was I can top it in three words.

Here they are. Mastiff +Diarrhea+Carpet.

Would the real inventor of Nature's Miracle Cleanser please stand up?