Yesterday, I got to thinking about sin. This is how I got to thinking about it:

There is a Sheetz gas station down the street from my house. It's one of 2 gas stations in town - the other one is on the other end of town. There are other gas stations nearby, of course, out on the County roads, but these are the two that people who use Main St. use. The Sheetz is very busy. They only have two gas pumps, so only 4 cars can be accomodated at one time. The convenience store does a big business too. Many people stop there for gas and get something from the convenience store....so the place is always busy, and it is not unusual to have to wait for a place at one of the pumps.

This, of course, is just life. I don't feel terribly put upon if I have to wait my turn to use a gas pump. If I don't want to wait I could go someplace else or stop playing "gas tank roullette" and getting to the point where it's all I can do to drift down the hill to the Sheetz gas station!

However, when I pulled in, 3 people were at gas pumps, and one other person was waiting besides me. The reason why the other person was waiting was because an older man has pulled his vehicle up to the pumps in such a way that it blocked 2 of them. However, this was a large vehicle, a truck or something. He was leaning against the gas pump and it looked like he was talking on a cell phone ( he was not pumping gas). I didn't have any problem with this. I guess he just doesn't realize how long that truck bed is, I thought. I guess he's taking an important phone call, maybe someone is sick and he is getting an update. Maybe he's not used to driving that truck.

I did wish he would hurry up, though, because I was running late. The two other folks had gone into the station pay, there must have been a line, or they were getting coffee or whatever. Presently, the older man went in and paid then came back out again. He went over to the truck and rumaged around inside. He came out with a little notebook, and a pen. He peered at the gas pump, then leaned against the truck, looked at me, licked his finger, turned some pages and began to calculate his gas milage.

At this point I said out loud "Now that's a sin". And I really felt like it was, and I still do. Of course, I don't mean that it's one of the 7 deadlies, or anything like that. But, I always remember what Sr. Jean Anne told us in the 5th grade when our burgeoning consciences were beginning to nag us about things: "You can tell if something is a sin if it offends God or hurts somebody else." Often, as an adult, if I'm thinking of doing something, I find myself putting it to that simple test - the result usually is that when I'm doing something wrong I'm fully aware that I ought not be doing it!!!

That guy, at the point where he was putting his own desire to write his gas milage down in his notebook was hurting me and the other person who was waiting. He was obviously sighted: he was driving a truck and he looked right at me. Regardless of where anybody else had to go, or what they had to do, he was putting his wishes/ needs in front of other people's. There were pleanty of parking places into which he could have pulled the truck and calculated the milage. There was no reason for him to block even one gas pump, let alone 2 to do it.

So that got me started thinking about it. And thinking about how my first inclination when seeing the guy do two other inconsiderate things ( block two gas pumps and talk on his cell phone before moving along to pay for the gas) was to think of reasons that might excuse his actions. I know I'm like this. Usually, I think this is more of a good thing than I bad thing. But some days I'm not so sure.

Fast forward to late in the afternoon. Because snow was coming, I wanted to make sure I got up to Mrs. C.B.'s to water her plants and get her mail. I was also idley curious about how the dogs were up there.

But I didn't see them. I saw the Daughter-in-Law. I waved and she waved back. I looked out into the yard for the dogs. No dogs. Then I heard the DNL out in the back yard. "Come on, come on, baby!" she sweetly. Then, through clenched teeth, "Come ON!"

Dear God, if I look out there and see a puppy.... I thought, thinking SURELY that is not what I would see. But I did. A little tiny black lab puppy. Couldn't be more then 10 weeks old, bouncing around looking utterly confused.

There's only one word to describe how I felt: Convicted. I had done wrong by those two dogs when I hadn't reported them to the dog officer. I knew what the right thing to do was, but I didn't do it. It's true, I was trying to think of how to best serve everybody, but, I wound up serving no one. Surely, those dogs had suffered further....wherever they were. I stood still in Mrs. C.B.'s kitchen wondering what to do next as the failing light filtered through the window. Where could those dogs be. Surely they gave them to the humane society. Surely they didn't just....take them out and shoot them....or let them starve or freeze to death. Who would do that? No one would do that!

No, I corrected myself, You would not do that, none of your friends would do that. But these people may have done that because they DID do it. The only reason they didn't come back and find those dogs in an alarming condition, if not dead is because you stepped in and fed them and gave them water. And all you did was prolong their suffering.

Would it do any good to confront the Irresponsible Son and the DNL? Well, no, probably not. But I'd already flopped around on moral relativism once. "Evil proliferates where good people do nothing." I muttered as I approached the house.( Deitrich Bonhoffer said that. Well, something close to it anyway) Even if nothing else got accomplished, I was gonna tell those people that I knew their dogs had gone without being fed and I was aware that they were missing.

But what was the best way? What approach should I take? Angry, acusatory? I WAS angry, but conflict is bad enough without going into it on a bad note. I should be calm. That way, if they lost their tempers, at least one person would be making an effort to stay rational.

I knocked on the door, with my heart thudding in my ears. DNL opened it, I said who I was, she invited me in. " Listen, Mrs. C.B. told me that you were paying someone to look after your dogs when you were away. If it was me, I'd want somebody to tell me this - they didn't do it. Oh, what a cute puppy that is! Where are they, anyway?"

I was thick in the middle of something I'm not even remotely good at. Lying, dissemebling, acting like I didn't know what was going on.

"They ran away" The DNL said firmly. "Yep, jumped the fence and ran away. They did it all the time. This time we didn't go after them. They just want to run, so we got another dog."

"Oh, I see." I said as nuetrally as possible, "Anyway, they were in really bad shape when I saw them, one had a bloody nose, and I looked all over the yard for water for them."

"You didn't look on the closed in porch. That's where their food and water was." she said. She knew I hadn't. I would have had to technically enter their premisis to do that: the porch she's talking about has a door. If I had done so, or if I had said that I did, I would be admitting to comitting a crime. " Anyway, it isn't any wonder you think that of us. Mrs. C.B. hates me and her son too. She hates all of us, and I'm sure she's told you terrible things about us."

"I don't think anything of you. This is the first time I've met you. I came over to tell you that I thought you might have gotten a bad pet sitter or they might have misunderstood what days they were supposed to come."

"But, admit it, Mrs. C.B. HAS told you that we treat her badly. When's she coming back, anyway?"

"I don't know. She hasn't said."

"When did you speak to her?"

"Oh, last week. I speak to her about once a week." I said, thinking that was innocuous.

DNL called to Irresponsible Son, "Honey, come meet the lady who's been doing work for your mother. SHE speaks to her every WEEK!"

Irresponsible Son came in. I introduced myself and shook his hand.

"Is she coming back soon?" he asked.

"I don't know, she hasn't said."

"Well, she can just stay down there for all I care!" he said angrily. I know I looked shocked. I was shocked. All of us only get one mother, after all. "I got in another argument with her and hung up on her. Did she tell you that?"

"I'm very sorry to hear that. No she say a thing about it." I said, "I came by to talk about the dogs -"

"Oh, they ran away. I built that fence higher and higher, and then they dug under it. So this time when the pound got 'em I said just go ahead and keep 'em"

"Buddy's at the humane society if you want him." One of the kids piped up. "Mom, who did you have taking care of them when we went away?"

"You remember who. Honestly, it's so upsetting to me that his mother is like this. And I know she's never anything but sweet to people who aren't us. I know she got you a blender for your birthday - what did she send you for Christmas?"

"Well, you know, I really shouldn't say."

"Oh, come on, you can tell us!"

She sent me $25.00 and a very lovely card. "Bananna bread." I blurted out, for some uknown reason.

"Huh. We didn't even get a peel!" Irresponsible Son laughed.

They went on with their list of grievences against Mrs. C.B. interjecting questions all the while. How was my business going? Did I do well? Did I charge milage? Did I pay taxes?

"Well, I can hardly have 'all the services you need all from someone you can trust' printed on my cards if I'm lying to the IRS!" I said lightly. "You know, I'm really very sorry to hear that you have this kind of difficulty in your family. I wasn't aware of it. I was just under the impression that you were extremely busy with your work and your children. I have a number of clients who have children nearby."

"But what has she told you about us. We know what she thinks of us. It won't hurt us."

"She's never said an unkind word about either of you." I said. And, technically speaking, that's true. She's just told me things that have happened. Like " I gave my son my perscription two days ago, and it's been ready for 2 days and Mr. C.B. really needs it - are you free to run up the pharmacy and get it for me?"

They were very actively trying to sell me the idea that they were the wronged party. And I could tell that, in their hearts, they believe they are. They didn't seem to understand how sick Mr.C.B. is. They didn't seem bad...just self absorbed.....but, that's back to the guy at the gas station, isn't it.

I left the place feeling deeply, deeply depressed and worried. I hope I didn't let slip any of Mrs. C.B.'s business or confidences that she has entrusted to me. I probably did, which will cause more trouble. And I lied, that's wrong.

So, you can try to do right, and wind up doing wrong anyway. Sometimes I think the harder I try to do right, the more suffering I wind up causing. It's easy for me to see that I'm not any better than Irresponsible Son and DNL...if anything I'm worse, because they are just reacting to their emmotions and I was the scheming liar with an adjenda in the room.

Oh, well. Maybe I can at least go up to the Humane Society and put in a good word for the one dog I know is there. I wonder if I can do that without somehow screwing up?