The County isn’t really a bad place to live. And sometimes it’s downright funny – at least it is to me. Last night I called the Humane Society after their regular business hours because I filled out an application to volunteer there. I’d gotten a letter explaining where to show up for the next orientation, and it asked for people to RSVP so they’d know how many training packets to put together. I figured that I would just leave a message on someone’s voice mail. Alas, they don’t have voice mail – or at least, they don’t have that option.

Actually, the County has one of the best animal shelters in the country. I mean, no kidding, they have won national awards. They get public funding from the County, and Countians are overwhelmingly in favor of making sure the Humane Society gets funded. Like most places with deep farming roots, Countains are truly horrified by any type of cruelty to animals. Also, our Humane Society has to deal with some situations which could be considered out of the ordinary in other areas, such as rampaging bulls and loose pigs. It’s bad enough when somebody abandons their guinea pig. It can be a real problem when somebody abandons their cow.

Any way, the point is that they didn’t have a general voice mailbox. Instead, I heard the booming, hearty, cheerful voice of one of the animal control officers. “Thank you for calling the County Animal Control office and Humane Society. If you have been bitten by an animal, please go to the hospital right away!”

Good heavens, are there people running around who would not know to do that, I wondered while the tape went on. Obviously, there are, which is discouraging.
“….for dead animal removal, press 7” the taped voice went on, with equal enthusiasm.

All at once, this picture leapt into my mind: A full grown turkey buzzard sitting on a desk in the darkened office, with the receiver clutched in one talon, saying “You have reached the nest of a flock-a-buzzards. This voice mail is checked daily. Please give the location – as the crow flies – of your carcass, including landmarks. Please advise us of the type of carcass you’d like removed, if identifiable. For nighttime service, you may press nine to be connected to the voice mail of a den-a-foxes. If you are a vulture, raven, crow, fox, bobcat or coyote who is new to the area, please call back during regular business hours to receive access to this service. Or you may just want to hang out along Routes 97 and 30. And remember: safety first! We’re here to clear road kill, not BE road kill. Thanks for calling!”

I’m sure that’s not what it says. The County really does have a more sophisticated system for dead animal removal.

Still, I bet those people don’t let me anywhere near the phones when I start!